Woo, it’s been a little while, hasn’t it? Recently I’ve been grappling with something that always seems to be lurking in the ring, ready for me to grapple with it. Emotional eating. I used to think to myself “I don’t emotionally eat! I eat when I’m hungry, that’s it.” I was not very in tune with myself and my feelings, it seems. Or I was in denial. Maybe a bit of both, really. My emotions have definitely played a very large part in my eating, whether I’m aware of that fact or not. Once I started becoming aware of it, though, I was able to help put a stop to it. Not all at once, but in small batches. What helps has been writing down what emotions I’ve been feeling and chugging water until my dumb stomach thinks I’m full.

The emotions I’ve been feeling just these last few months have revolved around my lovely depression and depressive episodes. They leave me feeling isolated, not understood, sad, and frustrated. I sometimes feel as though, even though I’ve made some acceptable progress in my endeavors to be healthier, it’s Not Enough. I feel as though there’s no one I can talk to day to day, since everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives and romantic partners. That I’m in the way of people’s time together, just in the background nattering away and being disliked.

I’ve been exceedingly more conscious of  just how extremely unattractive I feel and how it makes me see myself as less than as it seems like everyone around me either has a significant other or is in various stages of obtaining one . It goes hand in hand with the feelings of not losing weight fast enough. I want to lose it faster so that I can become, if not actually pretty, at least less ugly, in my mind. My ultimate dream would be to be “approachably gorgeous”, of course. The kind of pretty that makes guys just want to come up and talk to me and get to know me without initial effort on my part. Several of my friends are that way, but I have to remind myself that I won’t get anywhere A) wanting what I can never have and B) comparing myself to other people. Disclaimer:  I objectively know that being pretty comes with its own set of struggles, and that everyone is fighting their own battles and their own stuff, this is just self indulgent feelings venting. Thank you in advance.

Most recently, I’ve felt a great amount of sadness, anger, and stress involving a personal issue that I’m not sure how best to resolve or even if it can be resolved. My first go to when those feelings hit, after the crying stops, is to comfort myself with food. Sweet food, most especially. But anything to numb the feelings, to keep from facing what I actually must do to confront the issue. I was extremely proud of myself that I caught that feeling before I dove into eating the way I would normally eat after an upset like this. After the initial shock of the incident, instead of going out to drown my sorrows in anything remotely food related, I got my dog  and took a long-ass walk. It helped to clear  my head in a way food probably wouldn’t have.

So we had the bad feelings of the past months/weeks/days. How about some good ones?

I’m feeling pretty great about having stuck to my plans for the past almost three months in terms of food. Even in my deepest depressive days I didn’t break free and go absolutely nuts. I’ve gone over a few days here and there, but I’ve logged every single day. My Myfitnesspal streak is now 71 days. It doesn’t suck to weigh, measure, and log my food, it’s something that I feel like I can do for a good long time. I can recognize and make choices about things with a lot more confidence now. Sorting through what’s worth it and not in terms of what I want to allow in my eating is a lot easier. Donuts in the breakroom? Not worth it today. A brownie? Worth it as long as I have access to just one. Brownies, brownies are evil and I will eat them for five thousand years if allowed.

Recognizing that I need to come at this endeavor from a place of love and not hate is a big key. I need to do this not because I hate the way I look and hate my body, but because I love myself, I’m worth better, and I can do this. I high key have a constant raging battle with self loathing, in case that wasn’t evident from a few paragraphs ago. I have to keep reminding myself that “comparison is the thief of joy”. I feel like I need to get it tattooed on my arm or something so I can always look at it when I slip into one of my comparison slumps. If I had a fatal Shakespearean flaw, it would be comparing myself to other people.

It kills whatever good mood I have going. I lost 20lbs, but this person with my same starting stats at my age has lost 40. I’m feeling cute today after putting on some makeup, but this girl nearby isn’t wearing any makeup and is in sweats and looks eight thousand times better than I look after an hour of work. It goes on and on, forever.I’m not losing as much weight as this person, I’m not as pretty as that person, I can’t do this as well as he can. I should be able to do this easily like they can, no one else has this problem. Etc etc until one of us dies. It really is the absolute worst. So what if I’m not pulling guys like my impossibly gorgeous friends? So what if someone lost twice the amount of weight I did in half the time because they’re impossibly disciplined and did keto or bolted down on 1200cals a day?

I’m not them. I’m me. I have to do my best to beat myself. No one else. And looking back a few months, I’d say I did do just that, at least so far. I have to work with what I have, whatever that might be in the moment. If I put on makeup and think I look cute? I look cute, dammit. If I wrote something and I liked it, it was alright even if no one else ever reads it.  I’m never gonna be this person or that one, but I’m definitely going to be myself until they put me in the ground. So I might as well start getting used to it now, right?

Maybe I’ll make this a thing. Feelings Friday? That sounds a little hippie, doesn’t it? Whatever, man, it’s Feelings Friday. Just let it be, you know.