As of today I haven’t had any fast food for five months. In that time I’ve lost close to forty pounds, though I still have a lot to go. I’m trying to take small steps so that I don’t get discouraged by how long this is taking. I am definitely a product of this instant gratification society and I want it now, dammit. Not six months from now. Then I have to laugh, thinking that it’s been five months already and there are definitely changes that have happened so far. It’s strange, though. Most of the time I still feel like nothing has really changed, that I haven’t made much progress at all and this might be all for naught. After all, I’m not stunningly gorgeous yet with men falling at my feet left and right. I can’t run for miles and miles and not be winded. I still have plenty of chub everywhere and am definitely the biggest person in my friend group.

But if I was doing this to be gorgeous, it would all fall apart as that’s a poor sustaining motivation for change. It’d be a nice side bonus, but I don’t think it’s in my cards and that’s fine. I’ll just work my ass off (both literally AND figuratively) and be content with and bolstered by the knowledge that I have done so. It definitely IS gratifying to know I’ve been working hard and being completely honest with myself at every turn. Even when I’ve fallen a bit behind the plan for a day or a week or what have you, I’ll still account for that.

The struggle is real every damn day, though. Whether it be donuts in the break area at work or passing my old favorite haunts, it’s there. Whenever I look at something that I want in the moment but ought not to have, I hear Say No to This playing in my head. Unlike Hamilton, I am often successful at resisting temptation, though. There are times when it’s worth it to me to have what I want, though, and I’ll factor it in. That way I’m not depriving myself. At least not wholly.

I still feel huge and ungainly, though. And I guess I still am, just…less huge. The awareness of the change will hit me when I go to put on a pair of pants or a shirt, and they’ll be loose. Not dramatically so, but loose enough to be annoying. Or I’ll go clothes shopping and pick up a size that in my mind is two sizes too small for me only to find that it fits. Maybe it’s slightly stretchier than other things of comparable label or a vanity size, but it fits and I will take that victory with a healthy dose of “Wait WHAT?” In addition, people I haven’t seen for awhile will remark on it, and that’s always exceptionally validating, as it means people notice. I appreciate when people say it, but I also appreciate people’s hesitance to point it out, as it shows they understand it might not be by choice. It is in my case, world. It is. Validate me, tell me I’m pretty! Heh. As great as it feels to be externally validated (I am trying to get away from that need because I basically live for it. Another post, that’ll be for another post) it’s even better to feel from within the satisfaction of the hard work every day of my life for the past five months has been.

I see the changes in the mirror when I take the time to really look. I have the vestiges of a jawline now, and my short neck isn’t just a tube of fat connecting to my face anymore. I also have hip bones, which are really fun to hold onto in a sassy manner. I can look in the mirror a lot longer than I used to be able to stand to and I think I even like it some. I find myself running my hands over and under the shelf of my jaw to ascertain that yes, that’s really actually starting to take shape. It makes me look a little like a professor considering an equation. Or like a crazy person trying to get the bugs out of their skin. You know, either way.  I also run my hands down my sides and just everywhere, because I can’t believe my own eyes that there is less there than there was. Soon I’ll have to start toning what’s been hanging around. Recomposing my body, which I suppose is preferable to decomposing it. Right?

I’m noticing people start to treat me differently, too. I could chalk it up to a change in my attitude, except that as I said before, I feel the exact same, I don’t often feel any of the differences. I’ve always been a pretty friendly person, too. Maybe shy, but talkative and outgoing in social settings. For example of different treatment, there’s this cashier at the grocery store I go to all the time. For the past however long, if I was in his line, he’d just do the whole autopilot checkout thing with the mumbled “Hellodidyoufindeverythingtoday” I’m the type of person who talks all the time, so I always try to respond and whatnot when fellow service workers put forth pleasantries. A lot of the cashiers at that store, and other places, will talk back and you have a little back and forth. Some of them don’t, and that’s cool because it can be monotonous and talking to some chick about cute reusable bags or whatever promotion is going on is just  one step too far for the job at hand. My point being, I always talk to whoever is helping me, and this dude had never talked to me before so the contrast was extra noticeable. The other day when I went to get groceries and ended up in that line, he was all about talking. Mostly about yogurt, but other things too, in a way I am 100% sure he would not have conversed with me  several months ago.

That was the most dramatic example of change in people’s attitudes, but I notice it everywhere now. I would chalk it up to me changing, but I feel like I’ve stayed at the same level of friendliness. I’m just not as invisible and I get acknowledged now, so I get to show it off more. Then again, I don’t know, maybe I have changed. It’s hard to tell since I’m living in my own brain and everyone’s perceptions of people are different.

I’ll just be staying the course, really. It’s working, so I’m going to keep doing it. I’m currently playing around with intermittent fasting, and it’s actually something that’s rather sustainable. It was a little daunting at first, especially on days that I worked. I would usually fuel up before we went out to clean in the morning though doing that could leave me feeling kind of sluggish and heavy. Holding off on eating until noon or one has weirdly helped me not eat as much in a sitting. I don’t get as ravenous as I thought I might get, especially if I make sure I’m shoving protein into my face in that food window. I don’t think it’s for everyone and might not even always be for me, but I do think it’s helping me at the moment and so I will use it. The model I’m currently using is 16/8, so 16 hours of not eating and an 8 hour window where I do eat. I’m not extremely strict with myself,  and it’s a pattern that most people sort of follow unconsciously anyway, so it doesn’t feel like a gimmick or anything too hard to follow. It has definitely cut down on my constant grazing and snacking, which was one of the things contributing to my previous problems.

That’s my current state of affairs. I hope I can start to constantly feel like I’ve changed, instead of having to sit and reflect on it. I guess that most change is like that, though, you don’t realize you’ve changed until you sit back and take a look at it. I’ll just have to do that more often, I suppose. I still have a long way to go both physically and mentally until I’m where I want to be, but I’ll get there. I just know I’ll get there.