So. Running. We’ve had a complicated relationship, running and I have. I’ve identified with Anne Perkins and her assessment that “Jogging is the worst! I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?” I’ve started and abandoned Couch to 5k more times than I care to admit. In fact, I’ve recently started it back up again, though now I’m doing it in a  way that makes me a little less likely to abandon it. How, you ask? Well, I’ve been doing the same week over and over (week 1, if you must know), and will keep doing so until it’s easy for me. So easy that the next week will not feel like the insurmountable challenge that it has felt like the last few times I’ve done this.

It’s already sort of working, really. I noticed today on my run that I didn’t start wishing for death until the second to last interval, which is a marked improvement from two weeks ago. What’s weird is that, even though I still sort of actively despise the act of running, it feels amazing after I’m done. It even sort of feels good while I’m doing it, in a weird way. Not in any way I was able to recognize at first, of course. I don’t even think in the typical runner’s high sort of way, although maybe?  It’s more like, as my lungs fill with burning air and every step becomes a new nightmare, every other shitty thought that I could be thinking just leaves my brain. I’m focusing only on getting that next breath, waiting for that bedamned beep and the robot lady to say “Begin walking”. Living for it, really. I’m not thinking about that stupid thing I said, or how I feel like I’m not good enough to exist, or that I’m not pretty, or any of the other myriad things that plague my thoughts on a constant basis. I suppose you could say I’m running away from my anxieties and my problems. In 60 (soon to be 90) second intervals.

I do sort of still hesitate to call it “running”, of course. I’m doing it for 60 seconds at a time, and doing more walking than running at this stage in the game. But screw it. In those 60 seconds? I haul my substantial ass. So I’m running. I go for runs. Afterwards, I feel frickin unstoppable, though. Like a goddess, like mere mortals would perish were I to level a disapproving glance their way. Do I shoot lasers out of my eyes? I might. So, that’s definitely a plus. It’s also a lot easier to run with 40 pounds gone.

The hangups I have to put away when I run are many and various. Like the hangup that I’m repeating a week, because for some reason I shouldn’t be. Says who? It’s implied that you can swing through from week to week on the program, but for me, someone who has the fitness level of a soggy graham cracker, that’s just not possible. It’s gonna take me more time and who cares? Who’s keeping track? Well, me, I am. But other than me, who is? If it’s going to be too hard, it’s not pushing yourself, it’s tormenting yourself. That’s why I stopped before, and I’m not gonna let it be the reason I stop this time.  The other hangup, that I’m not really running, not like THAT incredibly fit woman in a sports bra and short shorts who just smoked me and who is actually running. I’m jogging and puffing along at best, and for small amounts of time. Can I call it running? Yes, yes I can. Because again, who’s gonna keep track of what I call it? It’s running, bitches!

Part of what makes running bearable is my sweet running playlist. If anyone out there who happens to lay eyes on this blog has any running song suggestions, throw them out at me! I’m trying for high energy stuff I can lip sync and air punch to as I run along. In fact, I will delineate for you a small sample of selections from my current playlist and why I like them.

Because We Want To – Billie Piper
This one just has a sick beat. It does. That and much like Billie, I do things because I want to, because I want to.

Immortals – Fallout Boy
We could be immortals, really. Another good beat, I just imagine gearing up for and running onto a battlefield when I hear this song. I also really like The Phoenix from Fallout Boy, another pretty epic song.

Die Another Day – Madonna
I’ve always liked this song for working out. It makes me feel like a badass and also a little bit like I’m on the wrong end of a chase after I stole some diamonds or international documents or something, whoops.

Runaway Baby – Bruno Mars
Okay, this is just a great song and it’s really fun. There are also a lot of prompts for you to run, which is good. This one’s really fun to lipsync as I run, especially the “I aint tryna hurt you, baby/Yeah yeah I just wanna work you, baby” part, which I always seem to get to as I’m passing other people face to face. Oh well, if they’re scared they better run.

The Warrior – Patty Smyth

This is like, my current favorite jam of all time. I am obsessed with this song, like ob-sesseddddddd. It makes me feel like that aforementioned all-powerful goddess. I AM the Warrior. It’s just so good, you guys. So good!

Love Runs Out – One Republic
Another great beat to run to. Steady, good for the cadence. I dunno, I’m not very on it when it comes to song analysis. Song good, me like song, me run.

I suppose a lot of my music choices revolve around the story I can create for myself in my head as I run. It keeps things interesting, because I can live in my head and ignore the burning pain of my body as it struggles for survival. I’m not sure if running will lend me real, verifiable progress in the physical world, but it’s doing wonders for my mentality. It makes me feel powerful, and confident for a few brief, shining moments. Even if I’m really, really bad at it still. I try to ignore that part and zero in on the good feelings it gives me. Maybe one day I’ll get good feelings from the actual act of running and not the idea that it’s a distraction from all my anxieties. But perhaps that’s a step too far for now. Ultimate goal? Enter a 5k and actually finish it. Right now that feels as reachable as the moon, but maybe in a few months. A year? Who knows!