Maybe it’s something about the summer, but I feel like my entire body and brain have just given up on everything and I’m dragging myself along resolutely like a tired parent in the grocery store with a petulant screaming child. It’s the part of things where I feel zero motivation, zero impetus, zero interest in doing the things I need to do to take care of myself. In addition to that, I’ve also got a whopping, healthy dose of repulsion for myself. It’s not a fun combo, and it really does feel like I’m trekking through those ol’ swamps of sadness. Now I just need to find that nihilistic old turtle…

I went walking today, trying to march through the “I don’t wanna”, and it sort of worked? I’m trying to reach this point of body acceptance and self acceptance that lets me have a modicum of peace in my damn brain while I try to better myself. It’s this weird balancing act of accepting what’s in front of you without, you know, languishing in it. It’s a tough balancing act, because in addition to toxic positivity, I firmly believe there’s toxic productivity. As in, you have have to constantly be improving, working, grinding, hustling, busy, working on yourself, going on a journey, etc. There’s very little time to sit down and breathe and just exist. The trick is to find the point between pointlessly chewing your tail and trying to improve because you need to be improving, and stagnation.

For me right now it’s hard to find anything I want to improve on. Well, let me re-phrase that. I want to improve everything about myself right now. It’s hard to find something to actually take steps to improve on. Everything feels overwhelmingly difficult right now, and the easiest thing to do is wallow in my disgust and disappointment with my own self and my lack of progress. At the risk of oversharing (who cares, no one actually reads this except bots, hi bots!) I feel a bit like a failure right now in all aspects of things. I haven’t been able to find a job, I haven’t been able to make any serious overtures in losing the weight I piled back on after my back injury last year. I’ve been exercising and somewhat trying to be mindful about food intake, but I haven’t had the sufficient energy and devotion to martial an extended, sustained effort. Somewhat trying doesn’t make the grade, of course, and won’t see real, notable change. However, actively applying myself to it just feels like an insurmountable commitment of energy. Right now what’s within my scope is making sure I get at least a 30 minute walk in, or several walks that add up to 30 minutes. It’s “not enough”, of course, to do what I want to do which is miraculously drop 100lbs, but it’s the amount of work I can put into myself daily right now.

It feels better to write it down, to sort out the thoughts. Even if there’s no resolution currently, it’s nice to know I can pick through the dilemmas and find something workable. I just don’t know what will give me the real push I need to go above and beyond the bare minimum that I’ve been doing. Of course, the part of me that has been struggling, drowning, and wanting desperately to just give up altogether would like the public to know that the bare minimum is a lot of fucking effort right now for her and should be commended. Perhaps that’s what giving myself grace is, knowing that even though no one else knows what a colossal effort it is right now to move around and not eat everything I come into contact with, I know it and I should commend myself for it right now. The hard part is not letting that attitude take hold and rule the kingdom of my brain for long.

So, as of right now I’m not exactly a fired-up go getter. What I am trying to do right now is reward any microscopic inclinations of wanting to do better in any of the aforementioned portions of my life. Writing or doodling if I feel like it, taking walks whenever I think “I really want to take a walk right now”. If it is something I can do that will be better for me, I will do everything in my power to make it happen. Rewarding the impulses and the want to do healthier things might very slowly unblock this troubled road and make it feel like fun again instead of a slog. I hope.

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